Are YOU a Glass Half Full..?

I've been thinking a lot about mindset lately. The one I have hasn't been serving me and I wanted a new one. It is hard thinking about the mind. It's possible to have a great thought and then a doubting thought about that thought, and then another doubting thought about that thought, and so forth until the mind short-circuits. The mind is doing all the thinking and it's only capable of so much. And still, it usually out-smarts us. I've been reading Eckard Tolle, hoping to find my "true self". I've also been listening to Tara Brach's guided meditations, to calm my mind and connect to my Being. I've been driven to fix myself, fix myself, fix myself for so long, all the while a little confused by which "myself" needs fixing.

I'm going to pause right here and confess that I've become totally confused again while writing this. There are too many "minds", too many ideas of what "I" actually is, and can I know what that actually is while I'm inside my mind anyway? I'm going to back all the way up and say that what I know for certain, is that for one who claims to be an optimist, lately something feels half empty and I'm pissed about it.

"Do you see the world as a glass half empty, or half full?" 

I hate this question. I'm hurt by it. It's usually asked by someone, who - lest we should ever doubt his proud prosturing - first confirms loudly that he is in fact a Glass Half Full Person, then leans in with his barrel-chested ego and asks, "What kind of a person are you?" It's manipulative, condescending, not to mention a little creepy. The question is engineered so that the asker leeches what small confidence is glowing in the other person to elevate himself. The implication of the question, "half full or half empty?", is that we're supposed to choose one perspective or the other. Already this is ridiculous! No person would choose to be a glass half empty, and if he did, wouldn't he be happy with the decision he choose and therefore be a glass half full person? (I feel like there's a mathematical method of explaining this impossible thought. Like the square root of -1 or something. Just call it out if you've got the answer.)

What sticks with me is the impossibility of maintaining one or the other perspective on life. I so badly want to be as positive a half full person as I know I can be. Positivity for me means ease, joy flowing, connecting, it means breathing deeply, it means feeling secure in my own abilities to survive whatever madness life decides to throw at me. But dammit if I can't stop myself from feeling half empty sometimes. You know, emptiness is one type of discomfort, and it's manageable enough. For a striving optimist, a passing pessimistic outlook is never as bad as the guilt that follows for having failed at optimism.

My dad says that all of our strengths have their equal and opposite shadow sides. A firefighter, for example, who is incredibly brave and will risk his life to save others' lives might have difficulty telling his wife he is hurting. A free-spirited woman who is in touch with her creativity may be easily hurt by her coworkers' teasing. And this is life. This is how it goes. We can't be perfect at everything. Believe me. I've tried. In fact, the harder we try, the harder we fall into a glass half empty mind set. Striving for only perfection - in this case, only optimism - denies ourselves the shadow side of our optimism, the vulnerability we feel when faced with a bit of madness.

I am going to try to let myself be a glass half full and a glass half empty. I don't want to be mad at myself any more. I'll move gently. What matters more than perfection is that I am sincerely living and striving for connection to those around me.

How To Walk in My Shoes

"What does it mean to walk in your shoes?" 

When I asked this question to my friends, I received a beautiful array of answers, mostly poignant, but some pretty silly. My aim was to quilt them together into a collective poem. None of these words are my own. In my head it reads somewhere between prose and slam poetry. Find the rhythm and let me know how you feel.


 "How To Walk in My Shoes"
   A collective poem

   They are ugly shoes, 
   But comfortable
   You skip walking and dance
   Stepping in puddles by accident 
   And then jumping in them on purpose
   An adventure...

   Due to my set of stubby legs
   It usually means you aren't walking very fast

   I still can't figure out how to make heels look graceful
   Presenting a pleasant demeanor 
   Amidst a barrage
   Of stupidity
   Tripping over the dog
   Barefoot's better.

   The best stories start when my boots pass through the doors 

   Into places I can't tell you about

   I am a dad doing his best for his daughter
   A daughter watching her mother slip away
   Wade through the bullshit
   Sacrifice
   Sense of duty, holding lives in the palms of my hands
   Caught in a Painful War, I'm Fighting.
   A man who occasionally gives in,
   May someday give out,
   But who never gives up.
   Constantly struggling to make people perceive me 
   The way I perceive myself,
   Which is inaccurate

   I am a walking contradiction
   An optimist fighting a pessimist 
   While trying to find the right track to stick with -
   Not all who wander are lost
   It means consistency

   A marathon or a mile 
   Are still accomplished one step at a time.

   A woman with so many blessings 
   That even acknowledging the negatives,
   Would seem to lessen them.
   An imaginative hag who wants to be a Star.
   Bette Midler,
   Joan Rivers,
   Barbara Stanwyk
   Lots of edge
   Slightly to the left, 
   Always with a smirk

   I will feel what you feel 
   And honor the path you have taken
   I've lived long enough 
   To value highly 
   All those things I mocked when I was young

   Drop the L - I'm waking
   Just waking the fuck up.

*   *   *

Thank you to everyone who shared their stories this week. This poem wouldn't have been possible without you.

Kelsey

Femininity vs. Masculinity: A Chart of My Body

I have always struggled with the balance of femininity and masculinity within me. My nose is a "gift" directly from my grandfather, so it's masculine. My arms have always been muscular and I'm a bartender who makes a lot of noise shaking cocktails, so they are masculine. I wish my breasts were larger and at times they look to me like an extension of my pecs - masculine. My eyes are my mother's, big and round with long lashes - feminine. My fingers move gracefully and with intent - feminine. Regardless of how I have felt inside my body, I have spent the greater half of my life trying to rid myself of anything masculine (read: so that people would like me more).

As I enter the second quarter of my 30th year of life, I am finally realizing that I can't very well banish any quality from my nature and I best just begin to accept it. So I attended a seminar last month at the yoga retreat in Stratton. It was called "Shiva and Shakti Unite: Aligning the Male and Female Energies", led by Hemalayaa Behl. Shiva is the Hindu masculine divine entity, Shakti is the Hindu female divine entity. Their relationship was explained to me like this: Shiva is the structure of the world, he is everything masculine, but without his feminine counterpart Shakti he cannot open his eyes to experience the world around him. If he is structure, she is the energy that flows through it. And if both are necessary for life to exist, then I can afford to lean into my own qualities just a bit.

I tried breathing in a masculine way, then a feminine way. I meditated masculinely, then femininely. Ate both ways, walked both ways. Sometimes the results were comical as it became clear that I had a preconceived, culturally-influenced idea of what was "masculine eating" and "feminine walking". Those stereotypes were often negative, so I tried to distance myself from them. I began to wonder, what does my feminine strength feel like? How is it different from my masculine strength?

I posted on Facebook "What are you thoughts on masculinity vs. femininity? What are the the places in your body that are more masculine or feminine? Would you change anything?" Thank god for these diverse responses! Here are a few:

"There is no "vs" about it. We all have aspects of both; and I find the contradictions of masculine and feminine within a person one of the most intriguing aspects of an individual personally."  

"I have birthing hips. I was never one of those guys with a tiny waist. EVER. Ask me to bare a child? You got it! Ask me to have a figure? Nope."  

"If I could like to Chaning Tatum and still be me I would, but if I looked like that would I still be me?"  

"I have a great butt. It wiggles when I walk."  

"My butt is big and curvy, and is definitely very feminine...But I've never wicked it was more boyish or less feminine...I just wished it was a tad smaller!"  

"At 8 months pregnant I think pretty much every inch of me is decidedly feminine at this point, and I feel...like a fascinating constantly changing science experiment."  

"6 months postpartum and everything is still "different"...All those hours logged at the gym in years past, but I give this body so much more love and respect."  

"I miss the boobs I had before cancer, the fobs aren't the same."  

"Other than the hairs I sprout on my face because of menopause...there is not too much about me that is masculine."  

"There have been times when I've wanted to change a couple of places in my body, but never thought them to be too feminine or too masculine..."  

"It's fluid. It's not solid. Changes & shifts."  

"I never understand what those words mean. It seems like masculine means 'stereotypically male qualities' and feminine means 'stereotypical female qualities' but as we recognize that everyone has both, those lines don't make sense. And within myself, I don't feel more like a woman when I exhibit certain qualities than others; I feel like I'm just judged on whether my actions or words fit the stereotype or not. And then I'm told that I'm either 'such a girl' or 'such a dude' depending on what I'm doing at the particular moment. I find it all confusing and silly."  

"I like my masculine qualities as much as my feminine ones. My biggest challenge is in choosing wisely how and when to let each emerge, so they express my most true self. When I express either in a darker or immature way, I'm always sorry."  

"What I have and what I am are for me to know and you to find out :) "

It's all well and good to say a person is a mix of energies or that we should accept ourselves as we are, but what about my masculine arms and grandpa nose?!

I created a chart to help me understand how I feel about my body and the different energies flowing through it. I wrote a list of my body parts from the top down and marked them as either feminine, masculine, or both. The following day I happened to be feeling much more feminine. I looked over the chart and wanted to change many of my marks around. I'll hypothesis that if I was paying closer attention, and if I was allowing those energies to flow freely in me, my inner mix of femininity and masculinity aren't fighting each other but are dancing with each other and always changing, yin-yang style. So I left the chart as it is, a snapshot of how I felt in the moment. 55% Feminine, 15% Masculine, 30% Both.

I'm still slightly embarrassed by my assessment of myself. Those old beliefs that I must be perfectly feminine to be acceptable run very deep. I think the greatest lesson drawn from looking back at my life lived with this high a level of self-scrutiny is that all these collected body parts of mine are thirsty for an equally high level of self-love. And so it begins.

THE BODY CHART

The Authenticity Project

"The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." 

Khalil Gilbran 'On Joy and Sorrow'

Earlier last week a friend of mine - a straight friend - told me that he was jealous of gays. Your journey is one of authenticity, he said. You have moments of vulnerability and moments of bravery. You celebrate these qualities in each other. He was envious and said that he continually searches for a community like this for himself.

I was stunned and saddened to learn that my friend hadn’t found himself a place to be authentic. I don't believe that those qualities and those opportunities are given solely to the gay community. Can you imagine? What a heartbreak, what a waste that would be! Is this was true, I'd encourage all heterosexuals to dig as deep as they could, as if their lives depended on it (because they do), to find their inner homosexual so they could feel their own authenticity for just a moment! What I do believe is that we’re connected by our identical experiences: we are human, we have this one life before us, we are made to create beauty, and this beauty is only born when we connect with ourselves, with other people, and with nature. None of this can be done without the courage to "come out" as ourselves. 

In celebration of Gay Pride Week here in New York City, I've chosen to look at the ways we all come out in our lives - not as gay per se - but as authentic human beings. 

I issued the following statement every day for the last week, sometimes multiple times a day, on the Facebook pages of every group that I belong to, my college organizations, my theatre groups, etc. I posted on Twitter, Instagram, and LinkedIn.

Here is what I wrote:

"In celebration of Pride Week here in New York City, I'm examining all the various ways we come out - not as gay necessarily - but as authentic. 

I would like to help you all come out as authentic beings. I challenge you to share with me a few words of authenticity. They could be about your sexual preference, or about anything else that makes you unique, good or bad, that's up to you. They will be ANONYMOUSLY incorporated into next week’s blog. 

Contact me however you'd like..."

...and I included a link to last week's entry. I didn’t know what sort of answers to expect, or if anyone would answer at all! I only hoped for enough responses to stitch together a pretty good piece.

Then the stories came pouring in. I was so giddy. People of all shapes and sizes were coming out to me: family members, close friends, people I'd never met, everyone with something to say. If I asked, people were happy - even eager - to talk about their experiences and share fairly intimate details with me. We connected on new levels. 

Thank you to everyone who helped me with this project. To those brave souls who came out, I am so grateful to you for sharing yourselves with me. Look how amazing we are! We are so different in so many ways, but we are connected by our vulnerability, our bravery, and now this shared experience.

When I came out as lesbian ten years ago a friend of mine hugged me and congratulated me. We stood in the atrium of my college theatre and just giggled. 

It is an accomplishment to let yourself be seen. So congratulations to all of you on your greater authenticity.

(If you missed the chance to come out to me before I published this blog and would still like to share, or are only now moved to share, please leave your comments below. You'll be able to leave them anonymously if you'd prefer.)

THE AUTHENTICITY PROJECT 

"Okay! So no one in my family knows this... Not even my kids... But I am bisexual... Have been for as long as I can remember..."  

"polyamorous" 

"bi-not so-curious"  

"'gay,' 'straight,' and 'bi' all fail to accurately describe what my orientation really is, and I am okay with that"  

"I want to fall in love and be with someone for who they are as a person, NOT for what gender they are. I've been accused of either 'going through a phase' and that I'm just 'straight' and also that I'm just 'afraid to come out' as a lesbian. The truth is that I am 'unabashedly' though 'imperfectly' bisexual...if that makes any kind of sense. It just is what it is..."  

"Sex kitten!!"  

 "the other woman and I don't know how to stop" 

"Hi my name is Abby, and I'm an alcoholic"   

"I'm a food addict. I eat to feel better. Supposed I do that because when shit is hitting the proverbial fan, putting something in my mouth that tastes good is a way to make me feel pleasure" 

"Chronically depressed"   

"Impulsive internet shopper!"  

"A worrier...a projector..."  

"a control freak"  

"a math nerd...(it mostly involves a lot of really bad math jokes)"  

"ok. I'll come out. Sometimes I fucking hate economics."  

"It's my age! So many people comment that I look so young! I use to say 'Thank you'! I've started just saying how old I am! Feels weird, but authentic!" 

"I don't like thinking about how old I am because then I can only see how little I've accomplished."  

"I am coming out as being dependent on others for strength and support. I try to dub myself as independent and strong enough to tackle life's hurdles, but in the end I recognize my need of a friend's shoulder." 

"an enigma"  

"heartbroken"  

"an optimist"  

"I am a really good person" 

"can I come out as a bad person?"  

"I'm never satisfied - ever"  

"I am lazy and I want everyone else to pick up my mess" 

"Being 'authentic' is truly the hardest thing anyone can be. If I was I would rap against this modern society...the way we treat the planet...the way we treat each other. I would stand in front of religious institutions and tell them how false they really are. I would voice my opinion every day. Tell people how the way we recycle doesn't really matter. How we need to end our dependency on oil and plastic today. But I don't. At times it eats at my soul. But I know that all the ranting would be ignored, people don't want to change."  

"Forever changing"  

"I am whole: both masculine and feminine, strong and realized, direct and flow. I need no 'one' to complete me. I am that on my own. My energy, my love, my vulnerability may be shared if I permit. No 'one' can take it. It is my choice to give, my choice to receive. I am not gay, nor am I straight. I'm not 'turned on' by physical anatomy. Energies arouse me, excite me, intrigue me. I am a sexual being, craving eccentric connection, not because I need anyone else to fulfill me, but because I am human (whole and complete)--and with that comes a beautiful curiosity to learn and express and explore."

~ Kelsey Crouch

Edited 8/20/14