Sunday, November 23, 2014


Sitting in my gorgeous bedroom, it's cleaned, vacuumed, new sheets on the bed, pillows are fluffed, lights are low, candles lit, and I'm writing this blog for the first time in months, it's 1:42am and I'm eating chips and salsa straight from the jar and also pumpkin cream cheese straight from the tub because I don't know if I want salty or sweet right now 'cause both are so good and aaaall this because I GOT FUCKING STOOD UP TONIGHT. WTF, MATE??

This is my first time being stood up and wowy does it suck. I'm totally confused, my brain doesn't know how to process it, and my heart is kinda small and squeaking "ow, ow" every few minutes. We're Facebook friends, this girl and me, and Facebook is creepy so I know that she checked in at a party in Williamsburg sometime tonight so good for her for being alive but at least please have the decency to even just maybe lie to me about it! A great, well executed lie is just the thing when you want to not see someone again but also want to behave like an adult, maybe not hurt her feelings, and not just disappear on her! For the love of god, don't just not text back! gaaaaaaah!

So I got home and without taking off my shoes or layers of coats or dropping my purse on the floor I headed to the fridge for some food love and now the cream cheese is almost gone.

oh man,
this sucks,
a poem.

Dating is hard, y'all. I have this adorable memory of adorable me at age 12 writing down in my diary the list of candidates for boys I might like. Let me repeat: the list of candidates for boys I might like. Lord have mercy! I actually made a pros and cons list for each! (Marshall Green, if you're reading this, you made the list three years running.) I may have been straight, barred by my mom from wearing tank tops, and had braces and glasses at the same time, but at least love was simpler back then. I had to like someone - everyone was doing it - so whomever had more pros won. Then I'd write him super coy letters in different colored pens and fold them into footballs to pass across the room, and I'd write "Kelsey <Surname of Chosen One>" on my binders and sometimes with my finger in soap on the shower walls as if casting a love spell over him a la Teen Witch which I saw way too young and definitely influenced me way too much. (I don't give a --- about trying to top that! Top that!)

And now - well, I'm 30 now, it's worse and a hell of a lot less fun. Online dating is for the birds. OKCupid, Tinder, Daatch - ugh, these names! -, How About We, eHarmony, JDate, Grindr, Scruff, iHookup, even ones called College Meets Bagel, Flurv, and Brenda. Can you imagine? "You guys are so cute together. So how did you meet?" "Oh, funny you should ask, we met through this great online dating site called Brenda." No. Thank you. I'd rather punch myself in the face.

But what are we supposed to do? I live in a city of 8.4 million people. You'd think I could find some one lady worth dating! Finding true love was easier in the 7th grade! His name was Lawrence and we were both homos-in-disguise writing love letters in rainbow markers and so happy together.

sorry, took a chip break.

I'm disgruntled and pissed and disappointed, but mostly just confused. If anyone sees her, tell her she missed out on a damn good thing :/